From the Archives

The following is an excerpt from an issue of DragonTimes, the newsletter of the one-time Irish MUD2 site IOL. This article from circa 1995 is republished here with the permission of Zedd the wizard.

Some things never change!!!

TALES FROM THE TEAROOM -- by Barry the teaboy

Hello again. Barry here. I'm on my tea break at the moment. Tea break? Hah! That's a joke -- I'm so sick of the stuff that by the time I get my break, all I want is a good stiff shot of vodka. Still, don't tell my uncle Eddy. He's the guy who runs this place and he got me the job but I don't think he'd be too keen on the idea of me drinking on duty. He's got some funny ideas about swearing too. Still he's a good sort, my uncle. He really keeps an eye on what's going on around here and what you characters are all up to. I mean there are nights he's stuck back in that office of his peering over reams of computer paper trying to figure out what on earth is going on. You guys are always whinging that something happened that wasn't fair and you want his help to put your case to the Wizzes. If it's not the nasty skeletons you're moaning about, it's the wolf or the dreaded lag monster. I mean everyone faces the lag monster at some stage of their visit to The Land of MUD and I reckon he's the only critter in The Land that's truly unbeatable. You might slaughter the dragon, fillet the ox, roast the piglet, swamp the thief and comb the hare but sooner or later -- if you're dumb enough -- the lag monster is gonna get you. But let me tell you, it really gets up my nose when people start coming in moaning about goblins! I mean I ask why is it everyone assumes that goblins are a piece of cake? I've met some very mean ones in my time and I don't venture outside that door very often. But then I suppose I'm a bit yellow bellied and chicken hearted -- I admit it with pride. Cowards live longer! I tremble in my shoes every time that Asterix character shows up. Not that he's ever in the slightest bit nasty -- it's just he's so big! And handsome! And shiny! And powerful! I keep out of his way most of the time but he told me last week that he'd let me take part in one of those famous bashes you guys are always on about. LET ME? He'd have to march me out there at elvish swordpoint to force me to participate! My idea of a nice Sunday evening's entertainment is sitting in front of the fire with my feet up, a can of Heineken in one hand, watching those exceedingly long legged females on Beverly Hills 90210, followed by Glenroe, just so that I can see what Biddy and Miley are up to this week. And then if it's not my bedtime, a quick peek at Deep Space Nine (wish we had a replicator in the Tearoom -- I wouldn't have to do quite so much washing up). Ah, but things have changed around here of late. People don't seem so friendly any more. Not so much chatting here late at night or carousing when someone gets to a new level. There are a lot of lean, hard faced, ugly looking individuals passing through here these days -- they don't even stop for a cuppa most of the time. And some of my favourite friends have disappeared; I wonder what's happened to them? Still, some of the new people do look very familiar -- just like older, wiser, nastier versions of the people I used to know. I've heard the Bell of Doom tolling more than once some nights for the death of a powerful one, and let me tell you this -- it ain't the dragon or the lag monster that's getting these guys. No, things are a lot more dangerous out there now. No wonder I prefer to hang around in here snatching a quick peek or two through the magic looking glass in the office, just to keep up with what's going on. I mean, I don't understand most of what I see but it seems like there's a lot of illness out there in the Land -- blindness, deafness, dumbness, paralysis -- must be some new bug that's been circulating (maybe a stomach virus). Dumbness is the worst example; there seems to be a lot of that around -- and you can take that however you like. Anyway now that the "tea" break is over <hic> I'm ready to sign off. Well, it's half an hour to go, but the Uncle has gone out for a while so I think I'll knock off early. Want to get home in time to watch Casualty. I could do with something soothing after a day in here... If you would like to get a quick look at a map of the land although small and cot covering the simon rooms look here.